Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
