Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
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Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
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It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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