I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
