I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
