i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
