I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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