When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
