I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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