i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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