I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
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i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
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You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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