i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
