I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
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