My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
