my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
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Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
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My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I forget how to act sober
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