When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
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I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
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Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.