I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
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He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
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Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."