My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
