dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
