Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
