I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Randomize
