What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
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Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
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I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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