She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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