I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I want her autograph on my taint
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Randomize
