do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
