I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
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