I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
