when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Randomize
