apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
