i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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