No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
