"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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