R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Randomize
