We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
