I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize
