...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
