where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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