I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
