There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
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