why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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