Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
