im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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