Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
