your parents love me but you hate me
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
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