please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
