I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
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I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
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Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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