just survived the first fart of the relationship.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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