youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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