I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
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