I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
He passed out mid-signature
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Randomize
