U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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