Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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