She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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