I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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