just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
