Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
