he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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