# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
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