I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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