If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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